M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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