new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize