it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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