Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
