last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
