his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
