I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
