you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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