my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
