Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I supernannyed him into submission
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
