shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
