I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
