google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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