so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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