i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
