I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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