Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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