I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
