He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
