just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
