When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
