It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
