made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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