I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
