totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
no more duck duck goose at the bar
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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