how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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