glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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