Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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