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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
