Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sober January is a disaster.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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