I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
