She is in my trunk
In America we eat man semen.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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