Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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