Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize