My friends, they love my intelligence
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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