did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
