I think my fart just growled at me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
