Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
not ubering you a puppy
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Dear god my vagina.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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