My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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