Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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