dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize