I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
