I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so let's talk penis.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
