when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
