i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
