I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
