I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize