Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Found the puke drawer
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
