I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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