hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
