Please, let me fuck your mom
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
