At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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