Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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