I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize