That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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