I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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