I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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