Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
