I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
