This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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