tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
