I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
