you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
