Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My bed smells like the plague
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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