Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
